Monday, December 29, 2014

I'm a Red Girl...

Guess what? I bought the red couch today.

That may seem like a very weird thing to write but it's actually pretty meaningful.

I've always wanted a red couch. But I always had the same conversations with myself whenever I thought about buying one.

It's not practical.
If you change your mind you're stuck with it.
It's red, Darcey. Don't be ridiculous.
Get a neutral color, it goes with everything.

I've looked & looked at furniture. The last sales lady saw me standing & staring at a gorgeous red sofa in the show room & she said, "Oh you're a red girl. Not every girl is a red girl."

I thought about what she said all afternoon & I decided she was right. I don't know when I made this simple transformation but I did.

am a red girl.

So I went to the furniture store today & I bought the red couch.

It's velvety soft, completely impractical & the deepest richest most beautiful color I have ever seen. Every single time I look at the boldness & beauty it's a physical reminder to stop settling & to live boldly.

No more playing it safe to fit everyone else's expectations. It is a perfect daily reminder to trust what I love & what I want & to keep daring to be who I am. 

Maya Angelou is a favorite of mine & I am reminded of her poem, "When I am Old I Shall Wear Purple."

In the meantime I'm happy being a red girl.
Who knew.

Monday, December 22, 2014


Thank goodness for best friends. The highlight of my week was getting to spend some much needed time with my best friend. It was a long time coming and exactly what I needed.

She's that one girl that I can just be me with. Done or undone. Happy or sad. We can talk. We can be silent.  We can drink. A lot :) We can laugh. We can cry. We can be totally pissed off. We can go months without seeing each other and pick up right where we left off. Moms can die. Dads can die. And you can find yourself standing at the podium in the church giving their eulogy & look up to see the only other person sobbing as hard as you.... is her.

There is nothing quite like a best friend.


And 20 years later......

Today I was driving into work reflecting on the past few weeks. It's been quite a roller coaster ride. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate roller coasters?

It's been a very hard week adjusting to all the ups and downs of my personal life and my injury. I feel like I'm all strapped in and alone in my seat and that makes the ride seem ten times scarier. I'm not sure how I got here. But here I am. And there's no going back.

As I drove into work this morning, I started thinking, if I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently?

In the case of the marathon, what if I had stopped running when my leg starting hurting? Was it worth it to cross the finish line of a marathon if I would be sidelined for 3 solid months after with zero improvement? 

If I knew the end, would I do it again?

I thought on this a good while as I sat in traffic.

And every single time I thought it through I knew in my heart that I would do it again.
And again.
And again.
And again.


The truth is, that's who I am. Whether I invest my time, emotion and heart in a dream or a person, I rarely give up. It's a blessing and a curse, known both fondly and not-so-fondly by my parents and my brothers and sisters throughout my life as the infamous, "Corkins Disposition" 

Sometimes this nets you great rewards. And sometimes it nets you a bruised femur and a bruised ego, a hurt hamstring and hurt feelings.

The part I always struggle with is trying to find the meaning in it all.

Why did it happen this way? Why did I come this far to have to start all over again in so many ways?

It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. It's meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. And isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic, yea I really do think. It's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride, when you've already paid. It's the good advice that ya just didn't take. And who would of thought? It figures. Alanis Morissette

I guess sometimes you just have to wait until the end of the book. 

In the meantime I think I will learn to make some music while I wait.

Here is my video that I promised I would post. It's my progress in attempting to play my very first song on piano, Imagine by John Lennon. I have wanted to learn to play piano since I was a little girl. And now my little girls are teaching their mama :) 

Elizabeth Katherine 

Olivia Grace

Disclaimer: My playing is awful. Like no bueno. Mucho. But apparently after I posted it on G+ 1,390 people either thought otherwise or were super kind hearted and gave it a listen anyway. Maybe it wasn't about the playing at all. Maybe if you see someone trying to achieve their own dream, regardless of how bumpy it starts, it gives you the teenie tiny hope that one day yours could come true too. As for me, I'm really hoping this is a sneak peek into my next chapter. Imagine.

Click here to view my very first video blog!

Monday, December 15, 2014


photo credit Project Evolution
I've finally started a path to recovery in my running injury & it feels really good.

My injury turned out to be super complicated. I have a badly bruised femur, bruised meniscus, Baker's cyst, hamstring tendonopathy, collapsed arch, SI joint tilt, and my hip keeps repeatedly going out making all of the above flare up.

Quite a laundry list, wouldn't you say?

But the good news is that I've given in to sports physical therapy at a new place & I'm finally starting to heal. It's been a very long road; approaching 90 days. 

My only approved cardio has also forced me to give in to trying some new activities...spinning and swimming. I swam for the first time last night & it was quite an adventure. I think I have to be the world's worst swimmer. Like ever. 

Of course it didn't help to be in the lane next to Joe Swimmer in his tight little speedo & professional swim moves. As if it weren't enough that he lapped me multiple times, he started doing this fancy shmancy somersault turnaround when he hit the pool side. Oye vay. I avoided our rest breaks coinciding at all costs, swimming out for a lap when he arrived at my end in spite of feeling like I might drown before reaching the other side. My arms were killing me and by the end of just 20 minutes I was pretty sure the life guard might have to hop in & pull me out. 

Swimmer, I am not :)

I used to think all my lessons came while out on the road. And it's true that when my feet were pushing forward one after the other life seemed so much clearer. There was a flow to my thinking and my life. I often felt powerful and connected. The wind came from its far away place and it wrapped me in something unexplainable. 

But then the wind stopped blowing for awhile & try as I may I just couldn't fix it.

And my feet moved but with each step a pain came with it that my will just couldn't wish away either.

I didn't want this to be happening so I pushed harder. I held on tighter.

I felt frustrated much of the time until I made the decision to accept things as they are. This is a lesson I had learned a very long time ago & yet here I was hanging on ever so tightly again. 

I realized driving today how often I do that. 

When I love.... I love. Be it running or someone I care about. I try to hold on tightly to everything and everyone I love. But sometimes it's best to just let go. 

I think I learned to hold on tightly from my mom. She held me tightly in every way from the moment I was born. So tightly that I often felt like there wasn't any room for me. I never knew for sure where she ended and where I began. I often found myself pulling away as a result.

My mom & I never really learned the dance. And then one day I found myself dancing alone. When she died she let go and I was suddenly left with no one to pull away from and no one holding me tightly.

So I realized today why I try to hold on so tightly to everything & everyone I love and care about. And I also realized today that when you finally learn to let go, you finally start to heal.