Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Life is a series of detours

“........Being a great writer doesn't mean being the most clever with language; it can simply mean having the courage to give voice where others cannot." 

That comment was written by someone on a blog post I wrote titled, "The Best is yet to come" The comment has been playing over and over in my head. I've been looking back beating myself up for stepping away from my blog and from writing for so long.

Why do I do that?

It’s an old pattern. I dive in, go so far, and then find some reason to stop. I give up on myself and I go get a traditional job or I tell myself I’m too busy; I’ll never become a real writer. I tell myself I’m not good enough; no one wants to hear what I have to say. It’s a rabbit hole that I seem to repeatedly go down. It’s fear and it’s shame in one of the many forms that it disguises itself in and shows up in my life.

Fear of judgement. Who does she think she is? She’s where? She's doing what?

It’s a paralyzing fear. The kind that keeps you so firmly planted in the shadows for so long, that when you finally turn toward the sun and grow, no one recognizes you. Today a version of that fear lingers in the voices of the small town, small minded gossip I imagine as my thumb hovers over the “post” button for far too long.

What will people think? 

It’s old shame. It's not measuring up to a standard set by people who don't know the whole story.

It’s also bullsh*t.

Didn’t I shed that fear and shame like 50 lbs and a marathon ago? Seriously? Get over it, Darcey.

Maybe you don’t just get over it. Maybe you live with it. Maybe it requires mindfulness every day to not let it trip you up and take you back to who you were. Maybe you have to take back your power and use it to keep yourself awake and living the life you want when you get side tracked.

Because you will get side tracked.

I don’t know. What I do know is that you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. The theme to write has been popping up everywhere. A friend of ours has been nudging me to write. John has been nudging me to focus on writing. Life has also presented me with an unforeseen opportunity to dive back in.

My old friends, fear and shame, have popped up again too. But I see them now. And yes at times I still do feel them intensely. But the difference today is that I acknowledge them and then I take my power back. Practice makes progress, not perfect.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Huffington Post writer, Amy O says that life is a series of detours and the key is to love your detour. I actually wrote some of my story for her, "I love my Detour" series and she published it. Thinking back on it has been a much needed reminder.

I’m so grateful to those of you that have stuck with me and continue to find value in my life and my words; on the highways when I’m going 90 across the country and on the slower roads where I sometimes find myself back in the last house of the dead end street.

Life is a series of detours and you'll never know for sure where they lead unless you have the courage to travel them.

 “........Being a great writer doesn't mean being the most clever with language; it can simply mean having the courage to give voice where others cannot.”