Thursday, August 20, 2015

Turn on the light

Turn on the Light

She's jarred awake
By the nightmare.
Not all of it
But enough
To know
It was the nightmare
Heart beating wildly
Terror in her throat
Damn it
But nothing comes.
It's just a very bad dream.
She reaches
A robotic reach
To the sleeping body
She grounds herself
Prepares to fight.
This is my bed
This is my home
I'm safe here
But the demons still roam.
The nightmare
Is random
Detail free
With fear and shame
Shame sneaks up
When life is hard
It appears
When life is good.
Too good
It sneaks right up
And it
Grabs her from behind


Three brave words
When she was
Brave enough
To utter them.
Three brave words
A teenie tiny girl
To a 300 lb monster
Refusing to honor them.
He still wins 


He steals brave
He steals "No"
He leaves remnants
Completely tore.
What was once brave
Is no more.
The access door
For the shame monster.
The mirror glare
Just to remind her
He's still there 


Miles and miles
In between
A strong new body
All have been seen.
Many pounds of armor
Shed away
Yet still
He finds his way in
And suddenly
She has no say.
Through the door
and swiftly out
Her body
The monster
Still unable to shout

Too thin
Too pretty
Too fit

For her own good
She's to blame
As it should.
She feels 
None of this.
Shame is her 
You aren't all that
Disgust does blind her.
Start again
The long
Painful road
Lace up
Carry your load.
Find the
Start line
Dig deep
Don't give up
Do not weep.
Put the lid on the box
Next time
The monster
May stay away longer
Next time around
You will be stronger

It's exhausting
It's humiliating.

I'd like to tell her
She should be brave
I'd like
to tell her
But her or I
I cannot save.
Shame is like darkness
Just turn
On the light
Save yourself
From the darkness at night.
But instead
I lace up
And I head out
Out the door
A brave imposter
Ever more

I hope
She follows me
On my long run
The early morning
Always brings
The sun.

Be brave
Keep going
One foot
In front of the other
And the sun will just rise
The darkness it will smother
There will
Be light
And even
Just for today
The monster will be gone
In the light of day

Monday, August 3, 2015

A journey of a thousand miles

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."  Laozi

The more I stare at the map, the less scary it seems. Ever since I was a little girl I would dream of the West Coast. I'd bravely dream out my bedroom window trying to figure out how I could get myself out of my circumstance and to this magical place, which at the time, was the furthest place I could imagine.

Fast forward to 2010. Same house I grew up in on the same dead end street. Head on the pillow next to my mom as she was dying. I found myself once again dreaming to be a million miles away and dreaming of getting myself to the West Coast again. I promised myself and my mom in that moment that I'd make the journey. Today I finally started seriously planning it.

The plan isn't so much about adventure. It's about conquering my fears and doubts that I can get anywhere I want to be. Hoping to write throughout the journey and get some clarity on the book I'm writing. Next step,,,funding it :)

"Knowledge of what you love somehow comes to you, you don't have to read nor analyze nor study. If you love a thing enough, knowledge of it seeps into you, with particulars more real than any chart can furnish." Jessamyn West