Friday, December 28, 2012

Perfectly Imperfect

“The rest of your life starts today”
I will never forget this quote from our wedding toast. I was a 27 year old young girl that I barely recognize today. I still remember feeling the gravity of those words on that day. The rest of my life is starting today….

At 40 years old while running today (my newest hobby) that quote popped in my head. It’s an ordinary day. I’m doing what I always do, nothing special. And it dawns on me. The rest of my life starts today- here, imperfect, sweaty & un-showered at the gym. And the gravity with which it hits me is the same gravity I felt 13 years ago in my big white dress. But at 40 I’m starting to realize that every day I am fortunate enough to wake up….. the rest of my life starts.  Life doesn’t wait for perfection. Every day is a gift.  In my 20′s at my wedding hearing this statement felt like I had reached a landmark destination of sorts. I had made it. At 40 I am seeing the journey instead & I am actually starting to appreciate it. My journey has included the heartbreak of losing my parents & my family, the comfort of good friends, making mistakes, repeating mistakes, repeating them yet again… learning lessons, love, trauma, crisis, babies, deaths, accomplishments, sorrows, bumps in the road & moments of sheer bliss. An imperfect journey to say the least, but my unique journey.

My life is finally starting to make some sense to me. Maybe I’m simply starting to accept who I am & where I am. A close friend recently told me that if I could just accept things as they are for now, I might feel better. At first that seemed crazy to me. I was a fighter & a survivor my entire life. I was the queen of wanting more, demanding perfection of myself & others in my life & accepting nothing short of it. Acceptance had always been so hard for me & until that moment I never realized it. Finally, giving myself over to it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t exactly perfect or how I wanted it right now, but that was suddenly ok. Acceptance was just what I needed.

I’m not perfect. I’m not black & white. I’m gray most of the time. I’m typically not a “yes” or  “no” person.  I’m usually a “maybe” person. I believe that anything is possible. I rarely lose hope in the people I love & the things I believe in. I hate making decisions. I love to help people. I love to snuggle. I love to be loved passionately & I won’t settle for less. I like to run even though I’m not great at it. I almost always have good intentions but I sometimes still seem to hurt the ones I care about. I’m human. It has taken me a long time to accept my goodness alongside my shortcomings but I think I’m finally on the right track.
My life isn’t perfect & I accept that. I’m learning to live with what I have today & trust that it is just what I need for today. I will still aspire to do great things & even “have it all” at times. But after all, the rest of my life will start again tomorrow if I am blessed enough to wake in the morning.

So today is an ordinary day. I thought of starting the blog back up on a monumental day like New Years Day or Christmas Day but I quickly decided today was the perfectly imperfect day. Thanks for reading. Hope to see you next week