Friday, October 2, 2015

Barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon...

Fu*k this. I'm not going down like this.

I've just hit a big bump. A really big bump. I didn't even see it coming. But I think it's true that we are defined not just by how we behave when life is all rainbows & kittens. But we are also defined by how we handle the hard parts. The bumps. We all have them. And if we don't, well then I'd argue that we aren't challenging ourselves very much.

Stories are often all about the happy endings. We all want the happy ending. But the truth is, while the butterfly is beautiful to look at fluttering around.... It's misleading. How many of us look at a butterfly and see the ugly little caterpillar that roamed the earth before it transformed into the beauty in front of us?

Not me.

I used to be the caterpillar.

If it were easy we'd all do it. I've had to work my butt off for every single thing I've ever had. It's not always been pretty. From my first pair of Jordache jeans. To my pride. To my inner beauty. To my bravery. To my realization that I'm worth it. I'm valuable. 

I didn't just go out and run a marathon. People see me smiling with a medal around my neck. What they don't see is that I failed my first attempt. Weeks upon weeks of training only to break my rib as well as my heart at one of my last long runs of 18 miles. 

I tried again.

No one saw the times I wanted to quit the second time around marathon training either. No one saw me struggle with bad memories & fears as my body grew strong & lean & attractive. All old fears I had to push through.

No one saw that I had to learn how to prioritize myself at 40, for the first time in my life. I had to make the time to train for the marathon while working full time as the director of operations for a non profit organization. Run a business. Be a mom to two amazing girls. And stumble through some very rocky relationships. 

I've lost my dad
I've lost my mom.
I've lost my family.
I've fought for my sister
I've started a business. Twice.

And this setback in front of me right now isn't going to stop me.

I have an opportunity in front of me as a first step in defining and fulfilling my dream of writing. And I'm pushing forward. I'm taking the leap. Running has taught me how to prioritize myself for a change. How to be brave. How to name a goal and achieve it. How to be grateful. Running has totally changed my life and the person I've become today.

So you guys heard it here first. Stay tuned. From the timid, shy, former little Catholic school girl, Darcey Ann Marie. Fu*k this. I'm not going down like this. 

"Barn's burnt down. Now I can see the moon." Mizuta Masahide