Monday, December 15, 2014

Healing

photo credit Project Evolution
I've finally started a path to recovery in my running injury & it feels really good.

My injury turned out to be super complicated. I have a badly bruised femur, bruised meniscus, Baker's cyst, hamstring tendonopathy, collapsed arch, SI joint tilt, and my hip keeps repeatedly going out making all of the above flare up.

Quite a laundry list, wouldn't you say?

But the good news is that I've given in to sports physical therapy at a new place & I'm finally starting to heal. It's been a very long road; approaching 90 days. 

My only approved cardio has also forced me to give in to trying some new activities...spinning and swimming. I swam for the first time last night & it was quite an adventure. I think I have to be the world's worst swimmer. Like ever. 

Of course it didn't help to be in the lane next to Joe Swimmer in his tight little speedo & professional swim moves. As if it weren't enough that he lapped me multiple times, he started doing this fancy shmancy somersault turnaround when he hit the pool side. Oye vay. I avoided our rest breaks coinciding at all costs, swimming out for a lap when he arrived at my end in spite of feeling like I might drown before reaching the other side. My arms were killing me and by the end of just 20 minutes I was pretty sure the life guard might have to hop in & pull me out. 

Swimmer, I am not :)

I used to think all my lessons came while out on the road. And it's true that when my feet were pushing forward one after the other life seemed so much clearer. There was a flow to my thinking and my life. I often felt powerful and connected. The wind came from its far away place and it wrapped me in something unexplainable. 

But then the wind stopped blowing for awhile & try as I may I just couldn't fix it.

And my feet moved but with each step a pain came with it that my will just couldn't wish away either.

I didn't want this to be happening so I pushed harder. I held on tighter.

I felt frustrated much of the time until I made the decision to accept things as they are. This is a lesson I had learned a very long time ago & yet here I was hanging on ever so tightly again. 

I realized driving today how often I do that. 

When I love.... I love. Be it running or someone I care about. I try to hold on tightly to everything and everyone I love. But sometimes it's best to just let go. 

I think I learned to hold on tightly from my mom. She held me tightly in every way from the moment I was born. So tightly that I often felt like there wasn't any room for me. I never knew for sure where she ended and where I began. I often found myself pulling away as a result.

My mom & I never really learned the dance. And then one day I found myself dancing alone. When she died she let go and I was suddenly left with no one to pull away from and no one holding me tightly.

So I realized today why I try to hold on so tightly to everything & everyone I love and care about. And I also realized today that when you finally learn to let go, you finally start to heal.