Monday, July 1, 2013

Journey in the Second Half

How do you like my new look? Is it me? True to most things in my life... wait til you hear the back story on how and why I ended up on blogspot!

The irony of this story is that I was finally being a responsible, good blogger and I was backing up my wordpress blog before updating it. I had been avoiding this task for a long time because I was afraid I might screw something up. Crazy, right? Turns out not so much.

Yep ironically while attempting to save everything on my blog I lost everything on my blog. Sounds strange but true. What is it they say? The best laid intentions or something like that? That could be the theme of my life.

So I installed a back up plug in and received a fatal error and I could no longer access anything on the blog. I couldn't even sign in as the administrator. I immediately contacted my web host who replied that there wasn't much that could be done and they were actually thinking of disabling the blog feature all together. Hmm, I thought to myself. Information I could have used prior to paying up front for a year of web hosting WITH a blog.

But for once I didn't freak out. Yet. I took a breathe and decided that this may be just what I needed. I feel like a different person these days so a fresh new look might be just what the doctor ordered. I had been putting it off because of the whole "comfort zone" thing. I was comfortable. I didn't feel like learning a whole new system. Computer savvy, I am not. And learning all things computer related was a very slow, pain staking process for me. But now I had no choice really. I started researching new blogging platforms. And then I started looking in my files and emails for some of the saved blog entries. The blog entries that weren't there. Gone. Not saved. No where to be found. Are you kidding me?

Some of my most memorable and heart felt entries were just completely gone. I started remembering the titles like, Looking Inside. The entry I wrote after meeting my mom on a run. The Bikini, the entry I wrote when I finally found my bravery in the dressing room at TJ Maxx. It was a landmark day. I put on a bikini and I left my shame in the dressing room that day.

My positive attitude was dwindling the more I remembered all the missing pieces. It was a tug of war in my brain. There was a side of me that said, they aren't gone. The experiences make up who you are. They are still inside you. And the other part of me remained steadfast and profoundly sad, feeling like I had somehow lost a piece of myself and my journey the past 2 years.

I kind of sat with that for awhile. I didn't like the place I was in but rather than catastrophize things I sat with the sadness and the not knowing. It was a lot like running in that I did all that I could and now I had to stay in the moment and let it go. After a short teary few minutes, I decided I would pack up the kiddos on this rainy Friday afternoon and take them to McDonald's for a little lunch treat. The old me would never have done that. The old me would have wallowed and beat myself up for hours. I would have went over the problem a million times in my head. I would have tried to elicit help from a million people, trusting anyone other than myself, to fix the problem. Not today.

Today I sent a final assertive email to the host. I honestly explained how important my blog entries were to me and why, without shame or embarrassment. I owned my mistake. I should have backed them up. I put it out there, sent the email, and let it go.

And as I was sitting in McDonald's laughing with my girls I received an unexpected email from her saying the programmer was able to save the content. I should have it tonight.

It felt great to know I would have it back. And I am unbelievably grateful for that. But I am also grateful that for one of the first times in my life, in my heart I knew that no matter how it turned out I would have been okay. It was a culminating moment of many lessons over the past 2 years, lessons I blogged about the past year. The new part was the knowing that all will be well. Go or stay. Right or wrong. Accepting things as they are. With parents or without parents. Perfectly imperfect. One step closer. I would continue forward on the journey in the second half. Thanks for coming along with me.