Monday, December 26, 2016

If you always do what you always did.....


"If you don't start taking care of yourself you are going to get very very ill, if you aren't already."


Not exactly the words you want to hear sitting across from a psychic guy reading you at an all girls party after a lemon drop shot with your best friends and a glass of champagne.

Nonetheless, a wake up call of sorts.

Not at the time, mind you. No. Instead of pausing to reflect, I retreated back to my old ways. I mean, I was in my hometown even.... Why not always do what I always did?

If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.

He went on to say lots of other things that shocked me. How did this guy know this stuff?

"You have a choice to make." Those were his very first words when I sat down. 
"There is a woman at war with you. She is vicious toward you and fueled by a man. They feel a sense of entitlement. 
"When I first saw you, I thought to myself, what a beautiful woman. I imagined that you lived a supremely happy life. A horse and carriage kind of wedding complete with a white picket fence house and a husband who adored you. Sitting here across from you doing this reading, I see that you are one of the loneliest people I have ever met. Your mind never stops. You have lived your entire life for others. Your life has been sh*t, to put it frankly. You don't do a thing for yourself. This has to stop. If that does not change, you are going to get very very ill, if you aren't already."

And that was the second time he told me that if I did not change my course I would become very very ill, if I am not already. I filed it away the second time in my mind under, "Scared Sh*tless"

By the end of our time I found myself a little teary and asking him if I was going to be ok.

"Yes. Opportunities will come for you almost effortlessly if you focus on yourself and keep pursuing your own dreams. In March there will be a woman with auburn curly hair that will take an avid interest in your writing. Her first name begins with the letter, "J". Perhaps Jan?"

"There is a woman in spirit with you, a mum or whoever taught you to walk. She is holding your hands trying to guide you."

By the end of our session I gathered myself up and put my happy face back on.

And I did the Elmira thing.

And I completely regretted it the next day.

If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got.

All week long I have been trying to put that guy's words out of my head. I mean, what does he know? The problem in writing it off, is in remembering the way he looked at me straight in the eye so sincerely, and he just kind of, saw me. He saw exactly how I have been feeling for a long time. I started to think that maybe this was a message I really needed.

The universe saw it had my attention and seized the opportunity.

I spent yesterday morning trying to find my spirit for Christmas and finish up my shopping.....

I found myself wandering along with a cart full of gifts, wondering if I would ever make it to the other side of the holiday, when this older black woman I have never seen before came up to me out of the blue.

She too, looked me right in the eye and we had the following exchange.

"Are you buying something for yourself?" she asked. 
"Who me?" I laughed. 
"Yes, Are you buying anything for yourself?" 
"No. I'm trying to finish up everyone's Christmas." 
She looked at me for a few seconds in the middle of the aisle and she cocked her head a bit and said, "M'am? Can I share something with you that I learned the hard way after 60 years on this earth?" 
I shook my head yes. 
"Take care of yourself. Fill yourself up first. It's ok. You can't give what you don't have."

I felt my eyes fill up with tears and I had to fight hard to keep them from falling down my cheeks. Looking at her eye to eye she seemed so oddly familiar to me.  I remember thinking, though she looked nothing like my mom, she had the exact same eye color my mom did.

I disconnected from some of my social media this past week and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I've made the decision to only do things that fill me up and right now that doesn't include Facebook. My hope is the I will get stronger and return because there are lots of people I care about on there and it can be a good vehicle to stay connected.

But.

It can also be a huge distraction away from what's really important. It can create a sense of not being good enough, not as happy as my happily married friends, or not as successful as that one girl from high school. It can be a space for hate and fear and intolerance in light of the past election.

I'm not sure what this will mean for my blog. I don't have a ton of direct subscribers. I'm making the decision to not worry about it right now. This feels right and it's about time I trust myself

If you build it they will come.

I can't sell what I haven't built, or in my case, finished writing.

Here's to a winter of creating and building. In the words of one of my favorite human beings, "you can't hold back the spring".

Thank you for reading my innermost thoughts. My only real goal with this blog, is to hopefully connect with other people through my personal story. Maybe you feel sad or alone sometimes too? Maybe you have had to stop. Start. Then stop again. Maybe you need permission to take care of yourself? Maybe watching me find my way will in some small way, help you find yours.

I hope so.