Thursday, July 14, 2016

Finding my why

I was talking to my old running partner about my upcoming marathon. It's the second one I'm attempting and I was complaining to him that I'm struggling with it this time. 

"Tough when you don't have the first time fire. And I guess after the first it has to come from a different place. Good to reflect why you want to run it. The answer will come from a different place."

And so began my obsession with trying to figure out why I want to run this stupid thing again....

Anyway.

I always say everything happens for a reason and I really do believe that to be true. But at the same time, I often beat myself up trying to figure out the reason. Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing it's tail. 

The past week the sky was falling down. And I've been trying to make sense of it all. What lesson am I supposed to be learning in all this?

Have you ever had a period of time everything, I mean everything, seems to come crashing down around you all at the same time? 

That would be my week. 

In the past I would not only have went into pity party mode, but I would have stayed there a good long time. 

Who am I kidding? A very long time.

This time I got there and I cried. I cried for 2 days. I asked why. I felt sorry for myself. I even lashed out a little bit at the people I love. 

Then I forced myself out of bed. 
And I ran.

I didnt just run though. 

I literally ran into my fear. 

Ironically I found myself back on the sidewalk I started running on like 4 years ago. 

Yes this one. It's pinned up above my desk.



I vividly remember running on that sidewalk with several images from my past right in front of me; while I carried the 60 pounds of extra weight I had accumulated before I started running.

Did you ever see this? 


That was me 5 years ago & me now. Crazy, right?
Fear and shame suck.

Back to the run. As I ran I started thinking about how far I had come since first running the route. 60 pounds is no joke. And with the shedding of it, I had shed the fear and shame too and replaced it with strength & confidence. 

I mean I had taken myself across a marathon finish line. Across the country 3X all by myself and yet here I was seemingly back once again, at the beginning in so many ways, at 44 years old. 

I'm letting fear in again? 

Seriously?

Huffing and puffing once again.

Fearful once again because of things completely out of my control.

Control. 

The one thing all the events of the week had in common was the fact that I couldn't control any of them. Not a single one. And that's what scared me. 

Run into the fear.

Run into the fu*king fear.

It's literally taking one step at a time that eventually gets you where you need to be.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So it's one step at a time. One day at a time. Someone once told me.... 
If you can run 1 mile you can run 2 miles...
If you can run 2 miles you can run 3 miles...
If you can run 3 miles.... You get the idea.

Crazy runner mentality, right? But that philosophy & mentality got me across a marathon finish line once before. 

And I really believe that philosophy will get me across the next. And maybe even this God awful week.

Yip. I think I just found my why.