Thursday, August 20, 2015

Turn on the light



Turn on the Light

She's jarred awake
Again
By the nightmare.
Not all of it
But enough
To know
It was the nightmare
Again.
Heart beating wildly
Terror in her throat
Scream
Damn it
Scream
But nothing comes.
It's just a very bad dream.
She reaches
A robotic reach
Right
To the sleeping body
Alongside.
She grounds herself
Prepares to fight.
This is my bed
This is my home
I'm safe here
But the demons still roam.
The nightmare
Is random
Detail free
With fear and shame
Growing
Wildly.
Shame sneaks up
When life is hard
Misunderstood.
Tonight
It appears
When life is good.
Too good
Misaligned
It sneaks right up
And it
Grabs her from behind

No. 
Please
No.

Three brave words
When she was
Once
Brave enough
To utter them.
Three brave words
From
A teenie tiny girl
To a 300 lb monster
Refusing to honor them.
He still wins 

Every
Single
Time

He steals brave
He steals "No"
He leaves remnants
Completely tore.
What was once brave
Is no more.
Yes
Becomes
The access door
For the shame monster.
The mirror glare
Just to remind her
He's still there 

Must
Close
The
Door

Miles and miles
In between
A strong new body
All have been seen.
Many pounds of armor
Shed away
Yet still
He finds his way in
And suddenly
She has no say.
Through the door
and swiftly out
Her body
The monster
Still unable to shout

Too thin
Too pretty
Too fit

For her own good
She's to blame
Surely
As it should.
Ironically
She feels 
None of this.
Shame is her 
Reminder
You aren't all that
Disgust does blind her.
Start again
The long
Painful road
Lace up
Carry your load.
Find the
Start line
Dig deep
Don't give up
Do not weep.
Put the lid on the box
Next time
The monster
May stay away longer
Next time around
You will be stronger

But
It's exhausting
It's humiliating.

I'd like to tell her
She should be brave
I'd like
to tell her
But her or I
I cannot save.
Shame is like darkness
Just turn
On the light
Save yourself
From the darkness at night.
But instead
I lace up
And I head out
Forcing
Myself
Out the door
A brave imposter
Ever more

I hope
She follows me
On my long run
The early morning
Darkness
Always brings
The sun.

Be brave
Keep going
One foot
In front of the other
And the sun will just rise
The darkness it will smother
There will
Be light
And even
Just for today
 
The monster will be gone
In the light of day