Monday, December 30, 2013

So long run 2013

"Running is the classical road to self consciousness, self awareness and self reliance. Independence is the outstanding characteristic of the runner." Noel Carroll




Today was my last long run of 2013 and it was a pretty reflective run. I think the title came to me by the time I had hit mile 2 because any which way you say it or interpret it, it just applies. It's been a very long year. So long.

I listened to music on my run today. I have been really selective in my music lately, sometimes opting to not run with it at all. I've found that music has a direct impact on my emotions and my thoughts. It can take me instantly back to a time and a place or a feeling. I have been trying really hard to stay in the present these days.

But today, I purposely ran with a mix of music as a way to process through the past year. I left eager to open the door and revisit memories I had not allowed myself to think about in a very long time. 

My musical journey went something like this.

I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you dream of. You raise me up to more than I can be. One step closer. Ordinary? No. Really don't think so. You lost the love I loved the most. You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.  Regrets collect like old friends. It's hard to dance with the devil on your back. Better than I was. More than I am. Try as I may I could never explain. What I hear when you don't say a thing. Do you remember how it used to be? There is no guarentee. That this life is easy. And when my world is falling apart and there's no light to break up the dark. That's when I. I look at you. 

Then I turned the volume up.

Who died & made you King of Anything? All my life I've tried. To make everybody happy, while I, I'd just hurt. And hide. Waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn. To decide. 
You gotta get up and try. And try. And try. 
Do you know that there's still a chance for you? Cause there's a spark in you. You just gotta ignite, the light. And let it shine. 
Made a wrong turn. Once or twice. Dug my way out of blood & fire. Bad decisions. That's alright. Welcome to, my silly life. Mistreated. Misplaced. Misunderstood. Miss no way it's all good. It didn't slow me down. Mistaken. Always second guessin. Underestimated. Look I'm still around. Pretty, pretty please. Don't you ever ever feel. Like your less then....

I thought 2013 was all about a marathon finish line I never ended up crossing this year.

But.

"Running is the classical road to self consciousness, self awareness, and self reliance. Independence is the outstanding characteristic of the runner."

I came to realize 2013 had nothing to do with finish lines and everything to do with showing up at the starting line and never giving up. 2013 was all about the journey. At the end of the day, I did cross some unexpected finish lines this year. And while my legs most definitely got me to them, it was my heart that received the medals for making the journey.

If I had to sum up 2013, I would say in 2013 I found my courage & I learned to dare greatly.

I conquered both biopsy & bikini. Last spring, I made the decision to leave my shame behind in the dressing room & I left with my very first bikini in over 20 years


  


  











I ran a total of 889 miles and 157 hours in 2013. I conquered my longest distance of all time, a long run of 18 miles with a stamina & endurance I never knew I had in me.






I conquered broken bones and broken dreams & I kept going and never gave up.


I said goodbye to another layer of grief in the loss of my mom. I discovered this year that happiness is not merely the absence of sadness.


I succeeded in developing a new blog and I made over 430 new friends that I learn something from every single day. Special mention to my online running community for all the support they give me & my trans-Atlantic running partner for the snippets of wisdom & motivation. 

I made some new "real life" friendships as well :)








I chose forgiveness. 



Like my sister Mary, I try every single day to choose happiness. 


I learned the meaning of faith. And I learned to accept things as they are.




I am closing 2013 with a new sense of self and hope. I am beyond excited to greet a whole new adventure in 2014. I'm ready to make a difference in the world. I can finally say I am grateful for the lessons I've learned along the way. Every person, every experience, every moment; they all brought me here, to this place. It feels good when you are finally able to say, thank you, in spite of the pain, for teaching you what you needed to learn. 

Thank you. 

My wish for you. Is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big. Your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while your out there gettin where you're gettin to. I hope you know somebody loves you. And wants the same thing too. Yea this. Is my wish.


Rarely can I pass up the chance to stop, close my eyes & wish.

So long. Catch ya on the flip side.