Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Unedited Running Part 1 & 2

I thought it might be interesting to write twice after my run today. Part one being just all the raw random thoughts I could remember immediately after my run. No fluff. No analyzing. Just my unedited thoughts since my running and my writing seem so intermingled. Then part 2. What became of those raw thoughts after my brain processed them. I guess I'm curious to put my finger on why I am so drawn to running. Someone recently asked me why I would want to physically run such long distances & do this to myself. I hesitated at first. I didn't like that I did. 

So I didn't want to go out to run today. It's sunny but cold. 

As usual I knew it would feel great afterward but I procrastinated going anyway.

Welcome to my mind :)

Part 1
Where are mom's gloves? I always wear them. I can't go without them. 
Have you seen them?
Found them.
Thanks mom.
I slide my hands in the warmth of her gloves. Instant comfort. I am once again grateful for the items I chose that she left behind after her death. I did something right.

Sidewalk or road?
Road. It's too snowy. Too shiny. You'll break your neck.
Fractured rib. Why did you do that anyway??
This isn't productive.
There's my shadow. I look bulky. It's just me. Is that really me? Alone running. Who would have ever thought I could do this? Not me. Look at me. I'm running. Remember the moment you told the very first person last year your dream of finishing a marathon? It all started there. In so many ways.
I wonder if people do trails in the winter? I'm going to do trails this spring. 

Music blasting. "Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic. Yea I really do think. It's like raa-aaa-aiin. On your wedding day. It's a free ride... when you've already paid."

Oh the irony.
Irony is where I was last year compared to this year.

Stay away from those thoughts.
Count. You can't think & count at the same time.

It's sunny. The snow is glistening. God it's so beautiful. Why did I put this run off, anyway? I love this. Tell yourself how much you love this.
I love..
Ahh. Get in the bubble.
But my breathing hasn't regulated yet and I'm almost at one mile. Why? It's always regular by now.
I think I only ran twice last week. Why did I do that? What's wrong with me? I've got to be consistent this winter. I want to maintain a base. 

Just run & stop it.
Enter Andy, a little girl in the, I Run for Michael group. She is in the hospital with a major heart abnormality posting how she can't wait to get out of the hospital so she can give the Ronald McDonald House gifts. 

Suck it up buttercup. All you have to do is run. Think of her & all the kids who can't walk much less run. I wonder when I will get my match. I'm number 1340 now.

The only thing between me and finishing this thing is my determination.
Finish this. 
Mile 2. Done. 

Look it's the sunrise spot from my marathon training last summer. Good memories. Instant comfort. 
18 miles baby

Remind me.
Count again.
Change the music.
Change your thoughts. Close the door.
It's that simple.
Don't Corkins-complicate.
It's as simple or as complicated as you make it.

Mile 3. Not as many random thoughts. 
My legs are heavy. My heart is heavy.
Enter running partner and her hubby. Land and push off strong. 
Enter good advice. Smile.
This is much better.
It's getting closer to the end.
I'm so glad I did this.
The turkey trot is Thursday.

Pace picks up.
Heart pounding like the bass of the most perfect beat. The rhythmic thumping absolutely on cue as the end surge for a strong finish comes like clockwork.
Steady breath
Steady beat

I feel alive.
Strong finish.
Inspired Me
Grateful Me.
And all thoughts are gone.
Pounding heart in sync with my feet.
Sunshine on my face
Brisk air filling my lungs.


Part 2

Same brain. About 7 hours later.

"Don't Corkins-complicate everything," said my best friend from childhood when we were in high school.

The phrase that has stuck with me ever since I first heard it some 25 years ago.

What is Corkins-complicate, you ask?

Corkins was my maiden name. And it's not really a term you'll find in Webster's. Just the same I know the meaning only too well. Corkins-complicate encompassed the unique ability I had acquired from my mom to turn the simple into the complex. Something I despised about both of us.

It was the who, what, where, when and why we asked so many times and in so many different ways that it often sucked the joy & sponteineity out of almost any moment.

Self sabotaging? Yip.
Probably a means to deal with anxiety? Yip.
Something I needed to change? Absolutely.

I disliked my mom doing it almost as much as I disliked admitting & recognizing myself doing it.

But you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right?

In thinking about my run today I can instantly recognize the familiar struggle. It's the same struggle I encountered this morning while doing my 21 day meditation. 

My mind wandered while I tried to meditate this morning. Today's meditation mantra was, "grateful me." The centering thought was, "gratitude is my prayer. So hum", which translates to "I am."

Running is my meditation.

My breath is my centering thought when I run. The beating of my heart is my mantra. 

Thump. I am.
Thump. I am.
Thump. I am.

The run brings me to the "so hum" or the "I am" 

It simplifies everything. 

I am. 

I am alive. I am strong. I am healthy. I am grateful. 

In re-reading part one & my complicating thoughts early on in my run I clearly see my ego. Deepak Chopra defines the ego in the following way.

"The ego is our self image, not our true self. It is characterized by labels, masks, images & judgements. The true self is the field of possibilities, creativity, intentions, & power. We can go beyond the ego through self awareness, awareness of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and speech. Thus we begin to slowly move beyond the ego to the true self."

Why do I do this to myself?

Running long distances silences my ego so I can finally experience my true self.

It's simple. I like it. 

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