Tuesday, August 6, 2013

This is who I am

Are you an open book?

"I once was afraid of people saying, who does she think she is? Now I have the courage to stand and say, this is who I am." Oprah Winfrey

I have always thought of myself as an open book until recently. I mean come on I have a blog, right? Then I started thinking about a conversation I had with one of my friends awhile back. 

Me: I got the greatest purse while I was in Rochester waiting for Josh. I had time to kill so I mosied into this consignment shop. I love antiques and old stuff. Anyway I found a Gucci purse for 6 bucks!
Friend: That's awesome!
Me: I know, right? Who cares if it's real. I love it!
Me: (Starting to second guess sharing this) Hey don't say anything about it to anyone, okay? I wouldn't want everyone to know I like that kind of stuff.
Friend: Okay, sure.

I'm 41 years old and I wouldn't want people to know that I bought a cool Gucci purse at a consignment shop. There is something wrong with this picture. As soon as it came out of my mouth it didn't feel right. I've had a number of other similar conversations recently and they still make me cringe.

People pleaser? Maybe. Coward? Could be. Changing all that? Absolutely :)

I can still hear my poor mom, "Darcey Anne Marie, you don't need to tell everyone, everything."

Sorry, mom.

I like going to consignment shops to find cool old stuff to fix up or unique purses etc. It's fun and it's me. I like to share about my life. I like to share the stuff I struggle with and the stuff I learn. I like to inspire people. I love that an added benefit to sharing with potentially the whole world online is that I grow too. I love that as a result of sharing pieces of myself, my identity starts to take shape. It's all new for a girl who her entire life defined herself as, someone's daughter, little sister, friend, girlfriend, mother, or wife.

What you give from your heart you get back. 

I love that I'm learning who I am through the lens of running and writing. Life is so short. After losing both of my parents and a breast cancer scare, I really get that these days. Are there critics? I'm sure. I know some people may think I'm crazy or simply read my stuff to then be critical. That used to bug me but I let it go. Those people are usually the same closed folks that read and talk about other people's posts on social networks yet never share any of their own life. In the end I realized it defines who they are, not who I am.

There is no better feeling than getting an email from someone I don't personally know saying how I inspired him or her to start running. Or a message from a reader that lives in another part of the world that sends me some positive encouragement.

Am I an open book? Not completely but I'm working on it! I do think my mom was right in that there are some deeply personal thoughts that are best to stay in the privacy of my heart. But just the same, I also know the more moments I can find the courage to say, 'this is who I am', the happier I will ultimately be.


And it's a cute purse, right? :)